Friday, September 22, 2017

SUMMER ACTION CRAPTACULAR!!!


This summer, I had a hearty appetite for beer, fried chicken and exceptionally bad action movies from VHS's golden era. You know the type: big, loud, dumb, but also frequently lovable in that "so bad, they're good" kinda way, the clueless, salivating Labradors of '80s & '90s genre film. As you'll discover, I also had a strong aversion to writing lengthy blog reviews. Unfortunately, my summer "vacation" was already packed with work, and this little detour down the carbo-loaded, craptacular action highway was designed to be a diverting shut-off valve for my overheated brain. Please excuse the lapse in analysis. For the most part, none of these testosterone fests (and one week of unbridled estrogen!) could bear the weight of extended critical scrutiny anyway.

Instead, my patented Chicken Drumstick Rating System brazenly ranks the 50+ movies I watched from 🍗 to 🍗🍗🍗🍗🍗. One drumstick means "don't bother...it's a turkey." Five drumsticks means it's the pinnacle of craptacular summer action fun, the Citizen Kane of '80s-'90s VHS bullet-head sleaze.

A bit of backstory: The hallowed Fried Chicken & Beer Movie tradition first began 20 years ago when me and two of my film school cronies smuggled a contraband bucket of KFC and several 40 ounce bottles of Olde English into a Times Square afternoon matinee of Con Air, the Nic Cage prison plane thriller where he looks (and sorta sounds) like Billy Ray Cyrus. During a rare quiet moment in the film (perhaps the "put the bunny back in the box" scene?), one of the guzzled 40 ounce bottles got loose and rolled (loudly) the entire length of the theatre only to land with an echoing smash at the base of the screen. And so a summer movie tradition was born. Good times!

Here's the scoop on all the crap action I ingested this June 20th to Sept 22nd, with occasional links to favorite scenes, trailers, and assorted YouTube riff-raff...

Week #1: Amir Shervan


Hollywood Cop (1987) 🍗🍗🍗🍗
Young Rebels (1989) 🍗🍗1/2
Killing American Style (1990) 🍗🍗🍗
Samurai Cop (1991) 🍗🍗🍗🍗🍗

Week #2: Andy Sidaris



Malibu Express (1985) 🍗🍗🍗🍗
Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) 🍗🍗🍗1/2
Picasso Trigger (1988) 🍗🍗1/2
Savage Beach (1989) 🍗🍗🍗
Guns (1990) 🍗🍗1/2
Do or Die (1991) 🍗🍗1/2
Hard Hunted (1992) 🍗🍗
Fit to Kill (1993) 🍗🍗

Week #3: David A. Prior


Deadly Prey (1987) 🍗🍗🍗🍗🍗
Mankillers (1987) 🍗🍗🍗1/2
Death Chase (1988) 🍗🍗1/2
Jungle Assault (1989) 🍗🍗
Raw Justice (1994) 🍗🍗🍗
Felony (1995) 🍗🍗

Week #4: Firstenberg / Glickenhaus


American Ninja (1985) 🍗🍗🍗
American Ninja 2 (1987) 🍗🍗🍗1/2
Avenging Force (1986) 🍗🍗🍗🍗
The Soldier (1982) 🍗🍗🍗
Shakedown (1988) 🍗🍗
McBain (1991) 🍗🍗

Week #5: Michael Bay / John Woo


Bad Boys (1995) 🍗🍗1/2
Bad Boys II (2003) 🍗🍗🍗
Hard Target (1993) 🍗🍗🍗1/2
Broken Arrow (1996) 🍗🍗1/2

Week #6: Burt Reynolds


Sharky's Machine (1981) 🍗🍗1/2
Stick (1985) 🍗🍗
Heat (1986) 🍗🍗
Malone (1987) 🍗1/2

Week #7: Action Master Misfires 
(Mann, Frankenheimer, McTiernan, Hill)


L.A. Takedown (1989) 🍗🍗1/2
Dead-Bang (1989) 🍗🍗🍗
Last Action Hero (1993) zero
Another 48 Hours (1990) 🍗1/2

Week #8: Lethal Ladies


Silk (1986) 🍗1/2
The Female Executioner (1986) 🍗🍗
China O'Brien (1990) 🍗🍗1/2
Point of No Return (1992) 🍗🍗
Barb Wire (1996) 🍗🍗
Intent to Kill (1992) 🍗🍗1/2

Week #9: Always Bet On Black


Number One With A Bullet (1987) 🍗🍗🍗1/2
Action Jackson (1988) 🍗🍗1/2
Surviving the Game (1994) 🍗🍗🍗
Passenger 57 (1992) 🍗🍗🍗
Boiling Point (1993) 🍗🍗
Money Train (1995) 🍗🍗🍗🍗

Week #10: Before They Were Expendable 
(Chuck/Sly/JCVD/Dolph)


Invasion USA (1985) 🍗🍗🍗
The Delta Force (1986) 🍗🍗1/2
Cliffhanger (1993) 🍗🍗🍗
The Specialist (1994) 🍗🍗1/2
Sudden Death (1995) 🍗🍗
Timecop (1994) 🍗🍗🍗
Universal Soldier (1992) 🍗🍗🍗1/2
Red Scorpion (1988) 🍗🍗1/2

Week #11: Would-Be Action Stars (Lamas, Thomas, Stamos, Kove, Bosworth, De Hart)


Gymkata (1985) 🍗🍗🍗
Never Too Young To Die (1986) 🍗🍗🍗🍗
Steele Justice (1987) 🍗🍗1/2
Snake Eater (1989) 🍗🍗🍗
Stone Cold (1991) 🍗🍗🍗
Road to Revenge (1993) 🍗🍗🍗🍗🍗

Week #12: Fried Chicken & Beer Movie 
20th Anniversary, Original Recipe


Con Air (1997) 🍗🍗🍗🍗
Face/Off (1997) 🍗🍗🍗1/2

Ugh, so bloated. Time to hit the crapper...

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