Wednesday, October 19, 2016


In honor of October, the Halloweeniest month, I made a blood oath to watch one old horror movie per night before bedtime and tweet quick 140 character GIF reviews the next day. The original mandate was "the gorier the better," though not all of the selections ended up being splatter fests. Below are the gruesome results. The butcher knife rating system is as follows: πŸ”ͺ to  πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ (i.e., the more knives, the better the film).

1) BLOOD FEAST (1963) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Godfather of Gore H.G. Lewis' 1st "stab." Red paint & Piggly Wiggly meat aisle scraps. No tongue!

2) 2,000 MANIACS! (1964) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ What the U.S. becomes if Trump wins: a deadly Confederate speed trap w/ Yankee-in-a-barrell contests.

3) COLOR ME BLOOD RED (1965) πŸ”ͺ Tortured artist subs paint for blood, goes on half-assed  hydrocycle murder spree. Color Me Zzz.

4) A BUCKET OF BLOOD (1959) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ If you can't join the beatniks, beat 'em by knifing cats inside walls & bludgeoning Bert Convy.

5) SPIDER BABY (1968) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Someone tell Tim Burton to do a remake of THESE peculiar children & cast Eva Green as Adult Virginia.

6) IN THE FOLDS OF THE FLESH (1970) πŸ”ͺ ½ Hybrid giallo with too much plot, too much Freud, too many vultures, not enough blood.

7) NIGHT OF 1,000 CATS (1972) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ ½ Hugo Stiglitz picks up women in a helicopter, feeds them to hungry horde of cats, occasionally tosses one.

8) AT MIDNIGHT I'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL (1964) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Brazil's first horror movie & world's first taste of Coffin Joe, sadist in a top hat.

9) THIS NIGHT I'LL POSSESS YOUR CORPSE (1967) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ ½ Coffin Joe returns from the dead, seeks bride, enters Technicolor Hell.

10) EMBODIMENT OF EVIL (2008) πŸ”ͺ½ Coffin Joe gets out of jail 40 years later, tortures, sires child, dies. Goriest but worst of the trilogy.

11) BEYOND THE DOOR (1974) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Exorcist rip-off with a few laughs, decent soundtrack & voiceover narration by the Devil himself!

12) EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC (1977) πŸ”ͺ Hypnosis, locusts, James Earl Jones in a bug costume. Zardoz this is not. Heresy? Maybe.

13) THE SENTINEL (1977) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Brooklyn Heights brownstone infested with dead priests, devils, Goldblums & nosy pervs. Only $400/month? Where do I sign?

14) TOURIST TRAP (1979) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ½ Do you love Psycho but wish it had more homicidal mannequins? Happy birthday to Tanya Roberts (tomahawked below).

15) MOTEL HELL (1980) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ I'm guessing Vincent & Ida's secret garden of human heads is non-GMO verified. But the Wolfman Jack cameo surely is. (Note: One of these heads is Cliff Clavin from Cheers...just "a little known fact")

16) HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Beware Silver Shamrock brand, the Samsung Galaxy 7 of Halloween masks. It has Stonehenge microchips!

17) SLEDGEHAMMER (1983) πŸ”ͺ½ 80s shot-on-video slasher w/ cheapo FX, many feathered hairstyles, goofy DIY charm. No, that's not Keith Hernandez.

18) AEROBICIDE aka KILLER WORKOUT (1986) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ ½ Tanning bed burn victim turns aerobics instructor/safety pin killer. Jane Fonda meets Freddy Krueger! This '80s slasher truly has the GIFs that keep on giving.

19) ANGUISH (1987) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Zelda Rubinstein, Michael Lerner, squashed snails, extracted eyeballs. A horror movie about watching horror movies. Hypnotic.

20) BIRDS OF PREY aka BEAKS (1987) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ ½ Hitchcock's THE BIRDS but dumber, bloodier & w/ hang gliding scenes (fun!) THE BIRDS > BEAKS > BIRDEMIC.

21) THE VIDEO DEAD (1987) πŸ”ͺ Watched this solely for the Michael St. Michaels cameo (Young Greasy Strangler!). Not good, but still better than THE WALKING DEAD.

22) BLOOD DINER (1987) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Vegan diner owning brothers harvest body parts for "blood buffet" to raise ancient goddess Sheetar from the grave. Not bad.

23) STAGE FRIGHT (1987) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Owl's head killer stalks actors trapped inside theatre. Great shooting & soundtrack from Argento protΓ©gΓ© Soavi.

24) I, MADMAN (1989) πŸ”ͺ ½ Horror movie for people who love used book stores. But, for slasher movie fans, it's mostly a weak reprint.

25) DEATH SPA (1989) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Some fun scenes, but no killer workout. To quote shredded gym rat below: "Aerobicide is Beta; Death Spa is just VHS."

26) NIGHTBREED: DIRECTOR'S CUT (1990) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Surprise! It's the director of Dead Ringers! What? You weren't expecting a Canadian, were you?"

27) VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1995) πŸ”ͺ Only John Carpenter movie I'd never seen. By his own admission, a contract gig. JC, I fall on my sword (broom) for thee.

28) MURDER PARTY (2007) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ Jeremy Saulnier's bloody good debut, great for Halloween viewing. Note: Don't eat the pumpkin bread. It has raisins.

29) THE WICKER MAN (2006) ½ Agent: "Wanna do a B-horror remake, Nic?" Cage: "I looove bee horror!" Agent: "Great, sign here with this EpiPen."

30) WE ARE WHAT WE ARE (2013) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ ½ Great atmosphere, great Michael Parks but long wait for the gore & "human stew" parts. Cannibal Slowlocaust?

31) BRAINDEAD (1992) πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ ½ Goriest film all month & also the last. Happy Halloween & Birthday to Peter Jackson. Nobody slings goop like you do, mate.

If you've made it this far, congratulations, and I'm sorry. Check back around the end of the December for the yearly Best/Worst List. After 31 movies in 31 days, I think it's safe to say I'm blogged out until then.

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