Friday, April 16, 2010

CONQUEST (1983) - Lucio Fulci


Your Heroes: Two lunkhead guidos in loincloths who look like refugees from an Axe Body Spray commercial.


Your Villain: An evil queen with C3PO's head, an American Apparel girl's body and absolutely no qualms about going topless (and faceless) the whole movie for the Cause of...um, well, Evil!


Your Henchmen: Weird hybrids of a werewolf and a Wookie that like to rip apart their victims straight up the middle wishbone-style!


Your Weapon of Choice: A bow and arrow that lights up and makes laser noises when shot! Try finding that at Sharper Image!


Other Reasons to Rejoice: A pounding synthesizer soundtrack that reaches John Carpenter levels of '80s awesomeness! A color palette that looks as if it were shot through a pair of dirty pantyhose! People cracking skulls like coconuts and drinking their grey matter like hot sake! People saved by dolphins! And most importantly, whatever these white Casper the Friendly Ghost looking monsters in the background are...


If I had seen this movie when I was nine years old in my Beastmaster phase, I would have soiled myself with glee. Highly recommended to all those in need of a good gore and loincloths laugher. I'd never been a Fulci fan before (his supposed masterpiece The Beyond left me kind of dry), but, now that I've spent some quality time with Ilias, Mace and Ocron, the Italian "Maestro of Gore" is seriously in danger of crowding out my Netflix queue.

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